The Chuck Norris Facts Collection
Author's product rating: 
| Advantages: |
Great internet - age jokes, a quote for every occasion |
| Disadvantages: |
Some people just don't get it : ) |
| Recommend to potential buyers: |
yes |
Hi folks, to continue my very apparent obsession with all things Chuck, here you will find a handy collection of the finest Chuck Norris facts, all in one convenient place! Print this out, take it to parties, impress friends and woo chicks with your witty jokes that someone else thought up! If you are new to this whole "Chuck Norris Facts" thing, then I think it's only fair that you know what I'm talking about! The whole thing is basically satire based on Chuck Norris' career as an action movie hero that became an Internet Phenomenon, much like the Hamster Dance or "The Hoff", except with roundhouse kicks and being generally deadlier. The main point of the jokes are to show Chuck Norris as a powerful, indestructible super human and it is all very much tongue in cheek, which is why some people just might not "get it". Chuck himself has even said that he is flattered with the attention and thinks they are funny, so if the main man gives a thumbs up, then its alright! :) So, back on topic, I've rather nicely arranged them into rough categories, so you can choose the perfect Chuck Norris quote for any occasion. Although don't worry too much, as there's always an occasion for a Chuck Norris fact.OK, lets get started...
Finance
If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.Technology/Media
There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.
Chuck Norris actually owns IBM. It was an extremely hostile takeover.Chuck Biology
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?".
Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the richter scale.
Chuck Norris doesn't have blood. He is filled with magma.
Chuck Norris can hold his breathe for nine years.
Chuck Norris's body temperature is 98.6 degrees... Celsius.
In an emergency, Chuck Norris can be used as a floatation device.Science/Physics/Astronomy
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Chuck norris doesnt go at the speed of light, he goes at the speed of Norris.
Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands.
Scientists believe the world began with the "Big Bang". Chuck Norris shrugs it off as a "bad case of gas".
The speed of light was instituted because Chuck Norris didn't want get winded outrunning it. Chuck Norris hates to sweat.
Chuck Norris could shoot someone and still have time to roundhouse kick him in the face before the bullet hit.Mathetmatics
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris knows that last digit of Pi.
Politics
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.
The United States could save billions in defense funding if they trade the Military for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.Literature/Proverbs demythedChuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris … dies.
Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb. Food & Drink
Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.
Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
The active ingredient in Red Bull is Chuck Norris's sweat.
Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.
Chuck Norris make onions CRY!!!
When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.
There are now five cup sizes at Starbucks: Short, Tall, Grande, Venti, and Chuck Norris.Fun and Games
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.
They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be "Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick."Sport
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis
Chuck Norris once played rugby by himself. He went undefeated. Chuck Norris once played rugby by himself. He went undefeated.
Chuck Norris has held the World Championship in every weight class at the same time.
Remember The Ultimate Warrior? He quit wrestling because Chuck Norris wanted his nickname back.
Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Chuck Norris fight.Movies/TV
Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre.
Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day.
In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.History
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
Dinosaurs went extinct because of the Chuck Norrisaurus.
Chuck Norris was once a knight in King Arthur's court. He was known as Sir Beatdown.
Chuck Norris invented the question mark.
Chuck Norris trick-or-treated as himself as a child.
Weather
Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Chuck Norris is looking for it.
The wind of Chuck Norris's round house kick can be felt from 1600 million miles away.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
Music
Chuck Norris let the dogs out.
Chuck Norris CAN in fact 'raise the roof'. And he can do it with one hand.Philosophy
If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear? Yes. Chuck Norris hears it. Chuck Norris can hear everything. Chuck Norris can hear the shrieking terror in your soul.
Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Chuck Norris."
So guys, if you've made it this far, then thanks for reading! And if you know any other good Chuck Norris facts, do let me know and I can add them to this list!Take it easy Chuck fans! Have a roundhouse kickingly great day! MisterB
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